will it, ever?
I’m starting to wonder what all this is for. All the getting burnt from the bloody sun, getting the aches after trainings, going at it nonstop day after day, clocking timings trying to break them but hardly ever get to, and at the end of everything, you’re just drained, and left wondering what the hell you are doing. The encouragement that used to get me going now gets me thinking if it’s all just a bunch of lies. What is good enough? Nothing is. I can break my current timing, and then set a new one, and then break it. But as I’m doing it, 10000030423 other people are doing the same. Am I doing it wrong, or just not cut out for this at all? Then comes the dreaded disappointment after races even though you’ve given your all. The realization of your all does not even match to your competitors’ 50%. To screw up during races over and over again, to never have set foot on the podium for a glorious medal, that is deemed proud by anyone. Late at night you go to sleep wondering, if this is really what you want. All the questions running through the mind but in your heart, you know for sure it is, and it is what makes you happy and keeps you going even after so long. Suddenly it’s not just about winning, it’s about wanting to improve together as a team, to want to stick together to brave through these 3 years together, and more, if possible. It’s about the friends you make and keep for life, it’s about the things you learn from training together. Suddenl, you think, and you’ll realise it’s a worthy exchange, perhaps, for good friends instead of a medal that will bring you only that limited amount of happiness. Yet deep down, always contradicting, your heart still fixes on winning. For once, you just want to show the world that it’s possible, that you, of all people, can do it too.
That one day, people will look back and remember this team as the one that went all out and strived for the medals we all deserve.
okay please ignore the whole chunk above. I think I’ve just about lost it tonight.
Just checked out the nwkc timings for this year and they were……..
I don’t know where to hang my head? Great.
CFOC in 2 days. Meaning, 3 days less to train.
What now, what now.
It’s approximately a month and a little more to NCC. How now, what now, now how, now what?
Getting antsy getting scared getting intimidated, all over again.
So much for getting the mindset right. So much for not being afraid.
So much for looking at those timings you know you’ll never meet,
and cringe..
):
PUIYIN! said,
June 11, 2008 @ 11:36 am
All the best(:
audrey said,
June 11, 2008 @ 8:17 pm
it’s okay darling.
i jus wanna tell,
that somewhere else,
there’s someone thinking the same way you do.
and that’s me =X
(i think i’m so nt helping)
koonchin said,
June 12, 2008 @ 4:53 pm
cheer up love (:
addie said,
June 15, 2008 @ 4:45 am
I know I’m in no position to say much, cause I’m like a slacker to everyone, but well, just my personal take on you here.
I think it’s just your mentality that’s making you not achieve what you want. If you can put aside everything else and just improve yourself, keep breaking your own barriers, stop looking at what others are doing [well you can look but you don't get so obsessed with it], you’ll be able to do it. Because you’re Bel and you’re willing to put in the effort to train, I believe you can. But you haven’t been able cause, honestly, I think you still don’t have enough faith in yourself. It’s not just about saying you can and you believe you can, but the fact that you really go and believe you can do it. Don’t be afraid of pinning too much hopes.
You have the motivation and the good mentality of the need to want to win [very unlike me], you can do it…
addie said,
June 15, 2008 @ 4:46 am
Oh and you have our love!!! :D