Some people think looking back on the past equates to getting emo. True, most of us have pasts that are not very “awesome”, have pasts that make us feel like shit on most nights, have pasts that made us seem really small sometimes. Yet, those were incidents that shape who we are today.
In secondary school, even through year 1 in poly, I used to look back at my own past and feel demoralized, sad, emo, and my nights were more often than not filled with silent tears reading old blogs and listening to emo songs. I scrutinized every little mistake I made years ago, condemned myself to hell and back, and found it really hard to live in the present and look forward to the future. But slowly, it seemed a lot easier to just take the past events as they are, for they are after all, over. Mistakes made should be left behind, with only the lessons learnt carried forward.
Nobody leads a perfect life (excluding irritating exceptions).
I’ve made mistakes along my way and I wasted a lot of time regretting. Now, I just think it’s a complete waste of time because instead of regretting, I should be thanking God with those mistakes I made, I was given second chances again and again to start afresh. The first step is always the hardest to take, but once ventured, it’s a lot easier to just keep walking.
I miss the simple things life has to offer. There still are tons, but somehow, it just seems a lot harder to come by these days. I remember how carefree we were in poly, when we could meet everyday, train everyday, chill everyday, or even study during those exam days. I loved how we could just laugh at everything and anything, how we were so close, how we shared dreams and hopes, laughters and joy. So how did we get so drifted apart, how did we stop knowing each other anymore? How did such a simple and sweet thing we had become so tangled, so upsetting and so full of angst?
I wish I had the answers to all of my questions but I don’t.
I try to erase the angry and upsetting images of us in my mind but sometimes, I find it hard to, cos they keep replaying in life over and over again each day.
I have grown to be a very angry person. I think I’ve changed a lot from a few years back. I feel so small and lost and as though I haven’t seen sunshine in ages. It was such an easy task to smile and laugh all day long in the past, but now, I feel as though life’s drained me of these little pleasures. I want to be happy again, with you. Is it possible? Someone, tell me.
I finally found the cache for diary-x but only 1 entry survived. As I read it, I felt as though it was easy enough to slip back quietly to those times. When I needed nobody, when all I had were the few people who knew of the blog, when the world seems to crash down on me all the time. That cold and lonely world I was cooped up in, denying myself the chance to be happy and free. Those times when all I did were cause grievances to my body and sharing in merry and loneliness with all who felt alike. Darkness and pain never seemed more acute there and then, and slowly we all grew out of that alone-period. We became better people and we learnt to love and appreciate each other even more than ever. I found the friends I know are going to stick by me for life. Cos you’ve seen me at my best and worst and have taken me for who I really am (:
Now, this entry may seem really pointless but I just, had an urge to type it.
I wish life’s okay again, I wish we will be okay again, but somehow right now,
everything’s just a big question mark and we’re just running away from it.
