(:
The way to being happy is to smile, put everything down, open your heart, forgive your past and all that comes along with it, look forward & move on.
Step by step. Let’s start with step 1 for today.
& I’ll learn to smile more from now on (:
So, I just finished reading through spens’ lj and realized.. You totally haven’t lost your flair for writing! Then again, you probably had to write a lot in JC so yeah. Why Mello no brog one.
& spens, in answer to your qn, I did have fun. HANGING OUT WITH YOU AND FRIENDS LEH! HAHAHAHA.
Can’t wait for Friday!
Free in Jul-Aug. Got job lobang please call me ):
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I swear my colleagues are out to make me cry all the time. They are the nicest fricking people around and, especially jacq, thank you jacq, thank you so so so so so so much.
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I typed a whole chunk about us, but I deleted it.
I’m gonna re-type but it’s just not going to be the same.
Like our relationship, it never was the same after January.
From the first time we spoke, from being strangers to team mates, to friends then to best friends, from chilling to dating, from nothing to something so special, I remember every single bit that consists of you, me, us. I remember every sweet moment and every heartbreaking one, I remember giving my best for you and remember showing you my worst. I remember the easy times, and also the tough ones. I remember the changes through it all. Our first semester holiday was spent in bliss, just indulging in things like playing tennis, going for intensive trainings everyday, spamming old movies, snacking like hell, doing random stuff. The second has changed. We didn’t spend as much time together as you worked the entire duration and I went for trainings like crazy. I remember our first “date” which didn’t quite happen, I remember CNY’s date, I remember going back to familiar places with you time and time again just to reminisce in the first year. Then I also remember all the quarrels, the hurtful words, the disappointment, the anger, the tears.. but also the holding of each other after, the make-up, the morning afters. I remember being very dependent on you, constantly needing your attention at my whim, more often than not wanting to see you, hear you, feel you every day. I remember all of our routines in the 2 years odd. The calls every night without fail, the morning smses, the iloveyou before hanging up every single time, the lying on your shoulder like it’s the most natural thing, the comfortable slipping of your hand into mine, the standard bickers we have. I also remember the transition from having fun dates like night cycling to comfortable ones like just simple movies and dinners. I remember our favorite udon place, and I remember the glasshouse fish&co. I remember studying at US starbucks and I remember meeting your friends. I remember every occasion, big and small. I remember the afternoons we spent singing, you playing your guitar and me on the piano. I remember how we tried so hard to duet Way back into love. I remember you being there for me during races and me screaming my lungs out for you. I remember you holding me after each disappointing race and I remember you telling me how proud you were after last year’s NCC. I remember the pain in your eyes when I told you about myself, and I remember the pain in your eyes everytime my rib acts up. I remember going bollocks over your back pain and I remember accompanying you for your physio. I remember all the plans we made and I remember our times in Adelaide. I remember all the you’ve done for me and I suspect I always will. There’s really nothing as “the end” because in my heart, there’ll always be a special place for you. Over these 2 years odd, I’ve hurt you but you’ve hurt me too. Our tempers, our characters, our stubbornness and our prides have caused us to more than once lose control.
This time, you say it’s me who’s changed. Maybe you’re right. Maybe this new me isn’t the old bel anymore. Maybe you prefer the old her. But I can’t remember what she was like. I tried, I looked back and tried to be who I was, but to tell you the truth, I have no inkling who I was and who I am now. I wish we could erase all the hurt that’s happened between us and go back to the startline again. I wish that false start in January didn’t happen and the race just kept going and we’ll complete with a podium finish. I wish our race strategy didn’t screw up, that the charging was just right and our last kick wasn’t too early. Don’t we all just?
I don’t make you feel secure enough, I need to earn your trust, I need to regain our faith. Is it just me, or? We stopped listening to each other and we stopped confiding. We stopped believing in what we had and we stopped entrusting our hearts to each other. We gave up what we could have had for a longer time because we simply are too jaded. Familiar reasons for ugly ends. Second chances don’t come easy, and we let this second chance slip right outta our hands. Or was it just me who did that?
Does it matter anymore, at this point in time?
Today’s the 23rd of the month again. It is our time of the month.. but how long have we not cherished this date for to date? How often do we sit down together and mull in amusement how far we’ve come, how did God see that we’ll be perfect together, how did it all even start?
I don’t know what your reaction to this entry will be like, but I see a need to write it out. I’m not angry and I don’t think I can ever be ever angry at you anyway. I’m just sad now that it’s over, we actually talked more than when we were together and it was so much easier at that. Does this mean this is what’s best for us? How do we ever know? This time round, I figured it’d be a lot easier but sad to say, it isn’t so. It is not harder to put down, but it is harder to pretend that despite giving this a second shot, it is heartbreaking that it didn’t work out. Maybe I gave a lot less this time, maybe I’m just not the one for you, maybe I can’t be your confidante anymore, maybe you just don’t trust me any longer.
I love you, and I’ve placed all of myself with you. I won’t retrieve those back, because they are ours to keep for life. But know that even after you said you give up time and time again, I’ve always been standing here still.
This time round, I’m giving you your space back, all your freedom and life.
Go and be happy, like who you were before the bitterness between us started.
Shu once told me “you deserve all the good life has to give”.
I’m giving this to you now and I believe the same for you, cos you’re the best lover I’ve ever had,
& despite it all, I care.
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& to all who are going through rough patches, big hugs.
Things will get better, somehow. You’ve just gotta keep believing.
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When we were young and reckless and very much in love, we gave our all to each other and went with the wind.
Tonight, I’m just going to close my eyes and go to bed with memories of us, still shining brightly in my mind.
