UNGLAM AT HER BEST

/EDIT
sorry spens, had to remove the conv cos it screwed up my entry’s format! but your stupid nanquanmama thing really was damn anti-climax i swear hahaha i have to tell liping when i see her lor haha!

/edited

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I came across something I shouldn’t have today.
Should have just left it at that, but no, I just had to know.
Going through the old photos, re-reading past entries, just thinking back on everything brings back a lot of mixed feelings. It’s like how everything should just be okay, we can go back to being friends, we can talk again, but when I see you, or when I know I’m gonna see you, it still makes me messed up inside. When I go to bed at night, all I can think of is what we used to share and how everything just seems so bleak now. Makes me question myself all the time, if I haven’t done enough, or am I just not the one. Second time round, shouldn’t it be easier? Sure doesn’t feel like it. It feels like it’s the same thing all over again. Makes me wonder too, what exactly do I want in a relationship. I don’t wanna type everything out like that but I can’t be bothered to give a damn anymore sometimes. I don’t wanna be okay when I’m not okay. I don’t wanna smile when my insides are really tearing me apart. I don’t wanna talk about it so don’t keep reminding me. I cannot erase the past so don’t ask me to put everything down and forget. You can’t just FORGET. Nobody ever does that. Like 10 years down the road, can you just forget these 2 years plus? No, you frigging can’t. It’s late, I wanna sleep, I wanna go for training tomorrow knowing I can give my best, but I can’t. I think about all the could-bes, all the future plans, all the we’ll-try-to-make-it-work and it makes me just wonder and wonder and wonder – is it possible, we’re giving up something that used to be so good? I don’t wanna think anymore, I wish my brain was non-existant, I wish I could just walk away pretending it doesn’t hurt. But I’m only human too.

Despite everything, I still love you. It’s hard to walk away knowing your heart still feels this way, but we’re halfway there, aren’t we? It’s going to get easier from now on, won’t it? The roads are lonely but slowly, we’ll get used to that, no? Time heals everything, or so they say. People move on from stuff like that all the time, friends say. Memories can be kept in a secret box, buried deep somewhere in the heart chamber and I don’t ever have to dig those up unless I really want to. Really?

Stop your mind from thinking, stop your heart from loving – Doesn’t even sound plausible to me.

On nights like that, you really can’t help but feel the world’s against you. When you thought you had it all, you had all the plans beautifully laid out and everything was going fine, something’s just gotta give. Nothing’s ever that perfect. You are not, I am not, and we’ll never find any other person who is.

But you gave me what’s close to perfect once. You showed me what love is all about.

It’s just another lousy Saturday night.

No more tears, no more, no more weakness.