UNGLAM AT HER BEST

While I sat at the pontoon watching the empty Kallang basin yesterday, just about a thousand and ten thoughts crossed my mind. I wish the tears could just come so I won’t have this whole bag of messed up emotions in me all the time. I wish this “emo” period didn’t seem so familiar.
& even though I once swore I’ll never get myself so down again, it’s almost inevitable cos all the time,  I was really just setting myself up for this.

No it’s not just about you. It’s about me, and me and me. About how I think, what I expect, why I’m such a freak planner, why can’t I just live day to day, about me as a person and me me me. Very selfish, sorry, but I want it to be me, if only for a day.

Am I happier now? Maybe, maybe not. I’m really just at this cross-road with millions of decisions to make and lots of errors to reflect on. Why didn’t I study harder in poly so I can get into a local uni? How on earth did I manage to spend so much time and effort in a sport that I know I’ll never be good at, cos I just am never good at anything? How did I let myself get deluded that I won’t be happy in PJC without even giving a fair chance to both parties? How was I able to give so much in a relationship and slowly watch it crumble to bits? How were you able to love me unconditionally at the beginning? I hate asking questions while blogging cos nobody ever has the answers for me.

I HATE this tiring thing called life. Jaded is too much of an understatement to describe it. (Sorry these words are just the NOW-emotions and I’m sure tomorrow I’ll think life rocks) I try to keep myself busy but it’s hard. I’m losing so much interest in things that used to keep me alive. Work has never seemed more like a drag, and I figure these 2 months (or more?) break will do me some good, to just bum around get a flexi job elsewhere and hang out with old friends till the skies crumble. Canoeing has never been more demoralizing. Quoting a friend whom I was talking to last night – “No medal can beat having someone on shore to come back to. Not even national champions, nothing. Walking up the slipway after getting that champs, slapping a few hands on the way, and then walking to.. nowhere, while everyone else just had somewhere to go to.” Maybe?
Worse thing is, I refuse to let myself get motivated to train as hard as before again cos I know I’ll never get there. BUT okay with national womens coming up, there’s still this thing in me that says to just go for it. And so I will. (see lah, gf, FOR YOU okay hahaha) I’ll try not to let you down.

It’s kinda torturous after graduating from poly cos I just feel lost all the time. I don’t belong to any school or association anymore and as I watch people slowly moving on to universities, going for orientation camps, beginning a new life all over again.. it just makes me wonder if I’m gonna have the strength to do that. (Okay Im sure I’ll feel like I can tomorrow or something) Annoying and tiring to feel so upset all the time, arghhhhhhhhh. I just wish i could really burst out laughing again, at nothing in particular. Just wanna laugh till I drop dead :\

Actually i did laugh quite a bit on the train with the juniors after training. Stupid moments that crack us up. Wish there were more of such.

I’m losing it, I feel like just smashing my screen. ARGH.

I’ve missed you, mel.
So much happened while we were busy with our own lives. I’m sorry, I never meant to take you for granted or to neglect our friendship. But you are important to me, cos without you, we’ll never be able to combine powers and beat aini!!!! Did she get A1 or A2 eventually ah? hahaha. But really, through nanhua and all, I think without you, it’d have been a bore. Nobody to “hula-hoop” down to the canteen with, nobody to camwhore with, nobody to get caught with tucked out blouses and ankle socks with, and nobody to laugh at stupid teachers with. Wah mel, srsly, okay you totally colored my 3/6 and 4/6 days, now I think back i still can laugh at stupid things you did. & one thing I’ll never ever forget, really, is the emo mama email you sent when my fate to continue in 4/6 was still undecided. The comforting words, the emo side of you towards me I rarely see, the fact that you even bothered to type out such a long and touching email, just gets me everytime I read it. You are truly one of the real-est person I know, not ever being afraid to speak your mind or sia suay which you always do, so thank you for never hiding.
Be happy. You deserve that and more. (: Love you, mel, big time.

Junling, Jess, Puiyin – No need for more words – thank you and love y’all, for all that you’ve done and said (:

Spens – Sorry mel jealous you got more words in  my entry so I cut down for this one. Yknow I know can already lah! Buffet soon ah please.

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To end off, why the hell are Singaporeans just so typical Singaporeans – KAYPOH?

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