Oh sweet Lord,

it’s hurting so.

Everything in 2011 has brought me down to my all time lowest. Please lift me up with your grace again.

I feel as though there’s no more hope in this world left for me. I feel like I should be gone.

Please, just. please.

I will love you forever;

How is it possible that just 4 years ago, I was able to use the term forever……… and now, I find it a total piece of bullshit. The ironies in life.

It’s so sad to know that it’s actually possible to lose faith in love, somehow or another.. even if not entirely. It’s sad to start believing that you’ll be okay alone, or in fact, you might be better off alone. It’s sad to be the one that’s left behind all the time, the one scooping up all the left over memories so that you dont forget.. when others have moved far ahead long ago. You know how sometimes you think youve moved on.. but a few years down the road, you still look back and wonder? Yeah technically youve moved on but it still kills when you think back.

Should I stay on after this year ends? Recurring question every day every night. Haunting my every waking moment.

Adelaide was a place I ran away to. Now it’s become the place that’s filled me with so much hated memories. Yet a part of me still feels like this could be home for a little while longer.

‘It was not too long ago that I was writing a note to say good bye, but now it’s time to fly home again’ – Keith’s song really strikes a lot of chords in my humming brain.

I feel like a hummingbird. Thoughts humming nonstoppppppppp.

‘& the days just fly away before i realise..’

I need to know that I’m not alone, yet at the same time I need to be alone.
why am i such a complicated being for fuck sake?!

 

Please,..

I miss everyone back in Singapore.

Nanhua gang, canoe sprinters, bnj girls and everyone else. Homesick week. Bad, bad week.

 

I wrote you a song;

It’s not that we werent ready for each other.. we just weren’t ready for forever.

Breathe.. Live.. Let live.. Forgive..

Everyday’s mantra : Just repeat. Life will be easier.

I used to seek comfort and solace in writing. I try to now, but it’s so hard. It’s so different. Words cannot even come close to depict how I’m feeling these days. Yknow those days where you berate yourself for not being good enough despite having given in your 100% or even more? When you opened up to a possibility, a sliver of hope and then that shuts its door at you. Right back where you started but not so much, because you took a step forward by bearing your heart and now the pieces are unretrievable. Oh, it hurts, it does. Nobody can ever get used to being heartbroken. Nobody can ever get used to going through the torments of a break up. There is no such thing in love that the more you go through it, the easier it gets. Each time hurts differently because the person was different, you were different, circumstances and situations were all different. Every single time, it hurts the same, if not more.

But wait, it’s true. You can get numbed. The pain might still be there but you won’t feel it. Whatever that’s left of your heart wont be able to detect the pain, so you’re safe.. You’re safe if youve been numbed over the years. Convenient excuse. ‘Hey I’m numb, I can’t feel us, let’s break up’. ‘Hey im okay, im just numb’. Really? Or maybe, just maybe, youre scared to open up. Maybe youre just afraid I’ll see the real you, just like how I let you see me. Maybe youre scared, just like I was. So you run, you hide when really, you blame me for being the coward..

If anything, Year 2011 has taught me plentiful. In a span of 8 months, I’ve come so far. Much further than I thought I’d ever have. In fact, I’m surprised I survived it.

Heartbreaks are always inevitable. I should know.

Always & Forever;

Or so One Tree Hill proclaims.

I think I’m damn suay. I always end up with the worse end. When I’m sick, no guy takes care of me. Dammit.
This fever and flu nonsense has been ongoing for the 4th day now. By tomorrow if i dont feel the slightest bit better, I’ll kill myself. Ironically, everyday seems to get worse. I can’t even focus in lecture and even though I did my tut and wanted to voice my opnions, I barely had the energy to raise my hand or speak, for that matter.

DAMMIT.

ARGHHHHHHHHH angsty mood.
I got removed from yet another profile picture again. Why, dammit, why am I not surprised? WHY AM I STILL BEARING HOPE?! Fuck it bel.

On a lighter note, Qixin wrote me an email today! I lay in bed this morning sniffling and coughing and then I read the email, and I was better for like 5 secs (;

yknow what, this week sucks big time.

BYE