& I thought,

that I knew who I was.

At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter. Life always has to come to an end. With my bare hands, I put a life to an end. I look back through my life on this night and I realise, there is nothing left of me to give. 

When I was with jh, I was happy. Innocent, happy love, because I didn’t know any better. I learnt that it was possible to give my heart to somebody and that it was a wholesome feeling to be in love, a feeling I could easily get used to.. and I did. Then we grew up, and went ahead with our own paths in lives. And I met jk. He was the dearest guy, the sweetest in fact, out of all that I’ve known. I know that if I asked for the stars in the skies, he’d be the only guy who’d scale shit in order to get them for me. He took care of my family when I was gone, he spent every possible second talking to me, he spent every moment possible with me when I was back. I liked him a lot but I’m not sure if it ever was love. Because if it was, I would have been stronger in our distance relationship. I would have been a better girlfriend. But I wasn’t, I broke his heart and eventually, he moved on, so did I. S was a whole new level. With him, I learnt responsibilities. I learnt love could also come with many other issues that I’d never imagined. & I thought, maybe, just maybe.. this would be it. Now everywhere I go, I see children. I see everything I wanted but couldn’t have. 

And I realised, I’m not afraid of losing jh, or jk, or S.. I’m most afraid of losing what was in my control. Truth was, despite being afraid, I still did what I did. I no longer sit in church and cry, nor do I try to bury myself with work, uni or spore association. I no longer cry myself to sleep at night so much such that my tears dried up over the months. I no longer think about assholes who could be, would be and instead, think of just making it through the night and to a brand new day. I know, seems like I’ve so many boyfriends right? Haha. But I’m proud of every single relationship I’ve had because now I know. I know what I want. I don’t need a guy who will sacrifice his life for me, I don’t need a guy who can buy me branded goods as and when I desire, I don’t need a guy to give me his every waking moment. I just need one person, this one person, that I can feel comfortable calling at 5am to tell him I’m hungry. This one person who takes me out on a date just once a year. This person who knows that I hate the birthday song and especially being sung to. This one person who will tolerate my incessant nagging and uncontrollable hyenic laughter. Just this one person, who can make me feel like I’ve come home again. Where got such people one right, i know. But I’ve seen them happen to my friends, to strangers.. to my aunt. And it’s possible. So we all just have to be patient, no?

I’m just very sick, very very very sick of being used.. over and over again. As a stepping stone. As a trial. As a bet. As a way to ‘end things’. As a fucking tool over and over again.
I’m also human. When I say no, I mean it. When you go against that, against all that I’ve believed in, you lost your right not even as a friend, you lost your right as a human. Believe me when I say if I could kill you and get away with it, I would. Without even blinking. I hate the way you’ve made me, so cautious, so wary, so even scared to think sometimes. You’ve made me so scared to sometimes even lie in bed, that I stay up all night till the sun comes up, just so I know I’ve made it through another day. You’ve made your point, there, you’ve done it. I hope you’re happy now. I hope you make it through the rest of your life feeling like you’re on top of the world. There, go join the rest of the guys you used to hate for hurting me. You were meant to be a friend, you were meant to be one of those rare good ones. You turned out to be the exact same type you told me you hate. And oh you dickhead, don’t come telling me I’m that ‘one person you can never get over’. Just for saying that, I hope you rot in hell for eternity. You’re right, I’ll never like you that way, I’ll never even look at you the same way again.

 

you fucking retards, all of you. i wish there was enough energy left in me to generate enough angst to hate all you fucking idiots. i wish i was that sort. i wish for once, i could get really mad, xplode, blow up at everyone and just scream. oh dammit, fuck you to hell and back.