At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter. Life always has to come to an end. With my bare hands, I put a life to an end. I look back through my life on this night and I realise, there is nothing left of me to give. 

When I was with jh, I was happy. Innocent, happy love, because I didn’t know any better. I learnt that it was possible to give my heart to somebody and that it was a wholesome feeling to be in love, a feeling I could easily get used to.. and I did. Then we grew up, and went ahead with our own paths in lives. And I met jk. He was the dearest guy, the sweetest in fact, out of all that I’ve known. I know that if I asked for the stars in the skies, he’d be the only guy who’d scale shit in order to get them for me. He took care of my family when I was gone, he spent every possible second talking to me, he spent every moment possible with me when I was back. I liked him a lot but I’m not sure if it ever was love. Because if it was, I would have been stronger in our distance relationship. I would have been a better girlfriend. But I wasn’t, I broke his heart and eventually, he moved on, so did I. S was a whole new level. With him, I learnt responsibilities. I learnt love could also come with many other issues that I’d never imagined. & I thought, maybe, just maybe.. this would be it. Now everywhere I go, I see children. I see everything I wanted but couldn’t have. 

And I realised, I’m not afraid of losing jh, or jk, or S.. I’m most afraid of losing what was in my control. Truth was, despite being afraid, I still did what I did. I no longer sit in church and cry, nor do I try to bury myself with work, uni or spore association. I no longer cry myself to sleep at night so much such that my tears dried up over the months. I no longer think about assholes who could be, would be and instead, think of just making it through the night and to a brand new day. I know, seems like I’ve so many boyfriends right? Haha. But I’m proud of every single relationship I’ve had because now I know. I know what I want. I don’t need a guy who will sacrifice his life for me, I don’t need a guy who can buy me branded goods as and when I desire, I don’t need a guy to give me his every waking moment. I just need one person, this one person, that I can feel comfortable calling at 5am to tell him I’m hungry. This one person who takes me out on a date just once a year. This person who knows that I hate the birthday song and especially being sung to. This one person who will tolerate my incessant nagging and uncontrollable hyenic laughter. Just this one person, who can make me feel like I’ve come home again. Where got such people one right, i know. But I’ve seen them happen to my friends, to strangers.. to my aunt. And it’s possible. So we all just have to be patient, no?

I’m just very sick, very very very sick of being used.. over and over again. As a stepping stone. As a trial. As a bet. As a way to ‘end things’. As a fucking tool over and over again.
I’m also human. When I say no, I mean it. When you go against that, against all that I’ve believed in, you lost your right not even as a friend, you lost your right as a human. Believe me when I say if I could kill you and get away with it, I would. Without even blinking. I hate the way you’ve made me, so cautious, so wary, so even scared to think sometimes. You’ve made me so scared to sometimes even lie in bed, that I stay up all night till the sun comes up, just so I know I’ve made it through another day. You’ve made your point, there, you’ve done it. I hope you’re happy now. I hope you make it through the rest of your life feeling like you’re on top of the world. There, go join the rest of the guys you used to hate for hurting me. You were meant to be a friend, you were meant to be one of those rare good ones. You turned out to be the exact same type you told me you hate. And oh you dickhead, don’t come telling me I’m that ‘one person you can never get over’. Just for saying that, I hope you rot in hell for eternity. You’re right, I’ll never like you that way, I’ll never even look at you the same way again.

you fucking retards, all of you. i wish there was enough energy left in me to generate enough angst to hate all you fucking idiots. i wish i was that sort. i wish for once, i could get really mad, xplode, blow up at everyone and just scream. oh dammit, fuck you to hell and back.

Keeping a distance from those who care and love me is taking a big toll and I’m starting to feel it. I’m starting to need to lean again and I don’t think I can quite take it if anyone decides to leave me stranded halfway. I’m straying back to old ways to get to sleep, and even then, my sleeping pattern is still screwed. Everyday I’m planning, thinking, plotting.. for my future, for my next year, for my return to Singapore or the lack of. I sometimes even wish I suffer from depression so I’ve a reason to force some tears out to relief some of the inner-whatever within me. I wish I even have tears left to squeeze out.

I wanna erase 2011. Im complaining, ranting, whining whatever. I deserve a right to cos I say so. I wanna take 2011, throw it over a cliff or on the ground, stomp and crumple it like trash and then maybe, burn it. Or eat it up. Or just recycle it. I wish 2011 has karma. I wish God had created my death date before 2011. I wish 2011 could kiss my ass and then just.. fuck off.

To those in 2011 who appeared and made my life hell, I hope 2012 will treat you better than what 2011 has to me. I want you to feel bad. I want you to smile, knowing while you do that, someone you left behind is crying, picking up all the pieces and cleaning your shit. I’m not going to wish upon you some deadly curse, I’m not even going to be that cruel. I just wish I could completely erase all of your existence so I can finally live my life, and no longer in anybody’s shadows, past or present or future alike.

Maybe I”m being melodramatic here. Maybe 2011 hasnt really been that bad. Maybe. Maybe maybe maybe..

Yeah, you’re right. Maybe 2011 was just screwing my head over. I’m very possibly.. nuts.

______________

Sometimes, it seems like it’s been forever.. So why am I still stuck in my own past when everyone else has taken steps forward? Maybe I’m really beginning to fall apart. Where I used to believe more often that I’m stronger than what i think i am, now I’m just dwelling and cutting myself off from showing emotions. I know it’s okay to be sad, it’s okay to cry and I tell people that. I let them cry to me, I let them take off their masks with me. I believe in living in and with your emotions and heart. But when too many hearts get broken along the way, when too many promises are broken, when too many friendships are destroyed.. perhaps, it might have been easier just to rid those emotions for awhile.

Come tomorrow, it’ll all be okay again right? That’s what tomorrows are for. A new beginning for every bad yesterday we’ve had. Another chance to do what we lacked faith to do the day before. Another chance to tell that someone special you love him/her because you forgot to last night. Another chance to have dinner with your family because you had something on yesterday. I just wish that I live everyday like that. I always forget to cherish the people around me. I always shut these people who love me most out when truly, I need them. I find it hard to let go, so maybe it’s just ego. I find it really difficult to breathe some days now, because everything seems to be moving too quickly and I can’t catch up. There are times I wake up disoriented, to find myself wondering where I am even when I’m in my own bed. Intoxicated every possible moment just to numb the pain and waking up to the same old shit anyway.

But oh well, life goes on (:

World Economic Forum 2011!!!!!!!!!! WAH!!!!

All the big shots are here, prime ministers, heads of states, kings and queens, future ministers, run by the biggest publicity company in the whole world based in Switz, all my old buddies here, good china food WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! lovinnnnnn life!

This trip has panned out a little more of my life for me, I’m a little surer.. but yet with more options, Ive got more thinking and decisions to make. So exciting. Can’t wait to learn more learn more learn moreeeeeeeeeee!

Went out for supper with Sean at 2am last night, JUST BECAUSE I COULD. just because shops here open till unGodly hours on any day!!!!!!!!! soooooooo happy. Can’t wait to check out Soho bar with the rest after the main plenary is over!

I’m off to a offsite venue now to meet all the young and upcoming leaders of the world hahahahhahaha

ironically, this conference is to improve the world’s economy. THEY SPEND SO MUCH JUST ON THIS CONFERENCE??!?!?!

okay out!

Everything in 2011 has brought me down to my all time lowest. Please lift me up with your grace again.

I feel as though there’s no more hope in this world left for me. I feel like I should be gone.

Please, just. please.

It’s so sad to know that it’s actually possible to lose faith in love, somehow or another.. even if not entirely. It’s sad to start believing that you’ll be okay alone, or in fact, you might be better off alone. It’s sad to be the one that’s left behind all the time, the one scooping up all the left over memories so that you dont forget.. when others have moved far ahead long ago. You know how sometimes you think youve moved on.. but a few years down the road, you still look back and wonder? Yeah technically youve moved on but it still kills when you think back.

Should I stay on after this year ends? Recurring question every day every night. Haunting my every waking moment.

Adelaide was a place I ran away to. Now it’s become the place that’s filled me with so much hated memories. Yet a part of me still feels like this could be home for a little while longer.

‘It was not too long ago that I was writing a note to say good bye, but now it’s time to fly home again’ – Keith’s song really strikes a lot of chords in my humming brain.

I feel like a hummingbird. Thoughts humming nonstoppppppppp.

‘& the days just fly away before i realise..’

I need to know that I’m not alone, yet at the same time I need to be alone.
why am i such a complicated being for fuck sake?!

Nanhua gang, canoe sprinters, bnj girls and everyone else. Homesick week. Bad, bad week.

Breathe.. Live.. Let live.. Forgive..

Everyday’s mantra : Just repeat. Life will be easier.

I used to seek comfort and solace in writing. I try to now, but it’s so hard. It’s so different. Words cannot even come close to depict how I’m feeling these days. Yknow those days where you berate yourself for not being good enough despite having given in your 100% or even more? When you opened up to a possibility, a sliver of hope and then that shuts its door at you. Right back where you started but not so much, because you took a step forward by bearing your heart and now the pieces are unretrievable. Oh, it hurts, it does. Nobody can ever get used to being heartbroken. Nobody can ever get used to going through the torments of a break up. There is no such thing in love that the more you go through it, the easier it gets. Each time hurts differently because the person was different, you were different, circumstances and situations were all different. Every single time, it hurts the same, if not more.

But wait, it’s true. You can get numbed. The pain might still be there but you won’t feel it. Whatever that’s left of your heart wont be able to detect the pain, so you’re safe.. You’re safe if youve been numbed over the years. Convenient excuse. ‘Hey I’m numb, I can’t feel us, let’s break up’. ‘Hey im okay, im just numb’. Really? Or maybe, just maybe, youre scared to open up. Maybe youre just afraid I’ll see the real you, just like how I let you see me. Maybe youre scared, just like I was. So you run, you hide when really, you blame me for being the coward..

If anything, Year 2011 has taught me plentiful. In a span of 8 months, I’ve come so far. Much further than I thought I’d ever have. In fact, I’m surprised I survived it.

Heartbreaks are always inevitable. I should know.

I think I’m damn suay. I always end up with the worse end. When I’m sick, no guy takes care of me. Dammit.
This fever and flu nonsense has been ongoing for the 4th day now. By tomorrow if i dont feel the slightest bit better, I’ll kill myself. Ironically, everyday seems to get worse. I can’t even focus in lecture and even though I did my tut and wanted to voice my opnions, I barely had the energy to raise my hand or speak, for that matter.

DAMMIT.

ARGHHHHHHHHH angsty mood.
I got removed from yet another profile picture again. Why, dammit, why am I not surprised? WHY AM I STILL BEARING HOPE?! Fuck it bel.

On a lighter note, Qixin wrote me an email today! I lay in bed this morning sniffling and coughing and then I read the email, and I was better for like 5 secs (;

yknow what, this week sucks big time.

BYE

NO LA. hahaha.

Nowadays like can’t sleep properly. Go to bed at 11pm also cannot sleep. Stay awake till like 5 or 6am every morning before I close my eyes for a short while. Then uni wham bammmmmm.

Aiya no mood to update also. Update for fun :\

Uni sucks ):