Hello.

8 Mar

Hello.

I’m back after a 2 year long hiatus.
I don’t know if it’s for good or it’s only for this one post.. but in any case, hello.

I just wanted to write about this “friend” I’ve had for a long time before realizing what a douche he is. This happened 5 years ago, but somehow, it still feels like yesterday.

A friend, will never take advantage of you, especially not when you’re at your weakest, lowest, and most helpless point in time.
A friend, will never use your friendship against you.
A friend, will never use that ability to threaten you into doing things that were against your will.
A friend, will never shatter your heart the way he did to mine.
A friend, will never care on the pretext of wanting something else, something more.
A friend, will and should never be someone like you.

Is it that I trusted too easily?
Or I really believed in you then, so much such that I invited a luring wolf into my life?

In any case, you wanted my forgiveness 5 years ago. Here you go, I forgive you.
But don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate you any less. I’m not any less upset or angry despite the 5 years that have passed. It feels as raw and fresh today as it did 5 years ago. I hope your conscience eats you up every day in your life, and I hope it slowly rots away, and at the same time, rot your entire life away. I cannot pretend to not hate you and to forget whatever that had happened, but I can grant you your wish of being forgiven, if that will make you sleep better at night.

So there, I forgive you, asshole.

Goodbye.

 

 

 

 

 

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I’m a Mommy now!

24 Jul

Hello, to whoever that is still following here..

I’m a mommy of a cute baby boy now! Couldn’t be happier!
I mean, the hormones are still here and probably will be for awhile.. but apart from that, there’s nothing more that I look forward to other than spending time with my new family. I thank God for a supportive, but yes quite lazy, husband and my smiley, but quite clingy, little one.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh… and now I’m back to work. Meh.

Okay bye!

Last day;

8 Apr

Last day at work.. last 10 mins..

so here i am, dropping a final note to myself : LET’S GO GIVE BIRTH TO THIS BABY SOON!!!!!!!!

🙂

Mother scared – Pun intended

19 Mar

35 weeks tomorrow, and I won’t bother lying anymore – I’m so scared i literally pee in my pants nowadays (no la that really does happen with leaks everytime the baby kicks my bladder.. which is quite often).

In 5 weeks or less,.. I’m going to be officially holding babyL in my arms after 10 long months. I’m very very excited, but also very very scared. Of the pain, no less.. But more of the responsibilities that will follow right after. It’s been a relatively smooth pregnancy, as compared to many other mothers, apart from once-in-awhile health scares.. I was just complaining a few weeks back that babyL is too active, his kicks were beginning to hurt my belly and rib cage, and I was getting fewer and fewer hours of sleep each day. Then I heard a horror story of how a mother-to-be suffered a stillborn death in her belly at 36 weeks because the umbilical cord was tangled and tied up, and all in the span of an hour from an active baby moving in her to zero movement after dinner.

Everyday now I’m begging babyL to keep kicking even though it hurts so bad from time to time – I’d much rather feel this kind of pain than to go through anything else. Even as I’m typing this entry now, babyL is wriggling around, HARD. Oh babyL, am I not feeding you enough? Or is it because my womb is too small and you’re growing so quickly daily now? I can’t wait to see you again on Monday, to hear your heartbeat, to see your tiny fingers and toes, to possibly see you digging your nose or sticking out your tongue again cheekily just like your daddy does, and to eventually, in a few weeks, cradle you in my arms.

This is entirely unplanned, and I know many have judged and passed fleeting comments about how stupid this choice might be.. But you guys don’t know.. I’ve been waiting for this moment, dreaming of it in my head for years now, and I’m completely prepared to throw my entire career away if it means the best for you, babyL. I might not know how to be the best mother in the world, I might not be able to lavish you with riches and goodnesses all the time,.. but I’ll give you all I have. I’ll give this new family every single ounce of energy and love I have left in my bones and heart, because it will all be worth it.

BabyL, mommy just wants to tell you, she is looking forward to hearing you wail at birth, she is waiting to feel the warmth of your skin against hers, she is waiting to see your first smile, hear your first sound, open your eyes for the first time to see the wonders of this world. You’ll be the bundle of joy we’ve all been waiting for, babyL. You will all be more than worth these 10 months of struggle and God knows how many hours of labor…

I already love you more than words can tell, babyL.. Mommy and Daddy both do.
Praying for a smooth and safe delivery (:

Questions with no answers

24 Feb

I can close one eye.. or even two, to many of the things I know will hurt if I keep them open.. But once I agree to do so, it also means a part of my heart is closed.

When I ask, it’s because I care and worry. Not because I don’t trust. And when you lie, I hope it’s a white one and not because of guilty conscience.

I hate to “settle”, feeling like “oh as long as you come back to me at the end of the day, it’s okay” when it’s really not.

But you know what, it’s probably just pregnancy paranoia and it will all go away soon.

I hate this new me sometimes.

Just Married

8 Jan

It feels very very very very very surreal, being someone else’s now. It’s a little like.. you don’t own yourself any longer. It’s no longer just about you. Your every move, your every action, your every thought.. you now have to think from 2 perspectives before acting. There’s no like or dislike to it.. it is just going to take some getting used to.

To be honest, it is quite nice to know that my life is finally stable after so many years of instability. It is really also very comforting to wake up to his face every morning, and fall asleep to his smell and touch. It is also very very very touching to have him feel my belly whenever babyL kicks and moves.. it’s like he knows, and he’s saying hello to daddy. (Although he says hello to mommy a little too often day in day out hahaha)

So here goes, this is my next phase in life (next 2 actually, all at one time..).

Let’s do this!

Wipe those tears away, bel

4 Dec

For you’re much stronger than that.

Do not use hormonal imbalance as an excuse to be able to lose control of your own emotions.
Do not use the P as a convenient reason to have absolutely no reasons to burst into tears.
Do not always give in and say sorry even when it’s not your fault. Have some pride.
Do not go to sleep feeling angry or sad, baby can feel it too.
Do not fear the unknown anymore.. For the better or worse, this route has been decided.
Be it having to walk it alone or with you,..

there’s no more looking back.